Oh, Papa

Why are you so angry

What did I do?

I promise not to do it again if you can just tell me.

The tears run down my face

My little body shakes in fear

I don’t understand what I did.

I can’t even make out what you are saying

I want to run, I want to hide

But I am frozen to the spot

An easy target

Oh, Papa Papa

Please, Please don’t yell

You are scaring me

I look around for help

But all the adults act like it isn’t happening

Can no one else see you?

Can no one else hear your voice booming?

Oh, Papa, did you know the damage you were doing to my little heart?

A few minutes later its over

Life goes on like it never happened

I don’t understand what I did

Am I bad? Usually, I know if I am being bad

I don’t want that to happen again

I skip through the yard of the trailer

Doggy ears with bows

Granny’s necklace around my neck

Twirling in my Sunday dress

My whole reason for existence is to make others smile

To bring them joy

To make the sad happy again

The lonely, loved again

To brighten the day

Shining my little light everywhere I go

I smile and sway to the music in my head

Run barefoot through the grass

But now you are yelling again

Oh, Papa, what happened

The day was going so well

I don’t understand

What went wrong?

Why are you screaming again?

I flinch as you slam your fists

What did I do Papa?

What did I do?

I am scared again

Could you not see the fear in my wide eyes?

Did you notice me biting my bottom lip as my mother does?

I go still again, frozen to the spot

What did I do, Papa?

I don’t understand

Papa, Oh Papa, why?

The moment passes again, and everyone moves around

Now it’s time to say goodbye

They tell me to hug you, but I don’t want to

I will my body to not tense up when you hug me

I keep a list in my head

What not to touch

What noises not to make

Which doors should never be opened

See Papa, I am a good girl

I follow all the rules

Does that please you?

My friends all talk about “what happens at grandparents, stays at grandparents”

I don’t understand that phrase

Do my friends not have a list of things they cannot do?

They also talk about how their grandparents take them to the park

To the zoo

Play with them in the yard

But whenever we invite you, you always say no

Do you not want to spend time with me?

Your voice booms through trailer

I didn’t do it, Papa, whatever it is, I didn’t do it

You are yelling at someone else this time

I still flinch; I want you to stop being mean to them, but I feel powerless to stop you

So I run outside to hide until you are done

If I yelled like that, I would be grounded

Why are actions that are bad when kids do them, okay when adults do them?

I still don’t understand

Papa, why don’t you want to spend time with me?

The car broke down, and we are getting a sleep over

You are yelling at Granny about the pull-out bed in the living room

You don’t want us here?

Did you not see my little face peering at you down the hallway?

Did you know I heard every unkind word you said?

What don’t you want me, Papa? Am I bad?

You said not to come for Christmas?

But now you complain no one comes to visit

Did you tell others not to come too?

I don’t understand Papa

Why don’t you want to spend time with me?

You are yelling again

What did I do Papa?

I don’t flinch this time, but I don’t remember what you said

My mind has gone somewhere very far away

Did you notice?

The day I quit skipping through the yard?

The day I didn’t race with joy to greet you?

I don’t twirl or sway anymore

I sit on the couch next to my mama and don’t’ say a word

You seem to like it best when I am silent

When I am still and quiet

Will this keep you from getting angry?

You and Granny gush about what a good girl I am

But I barely hear, I am somewhere far away

Ankle crossed over the other

Hands neatly in my lap

I help Granny in the kitchen

But I have done it wrong, and now you are yelling

I didn’t know there was a right way to put cans in the pantry

“Yes , Papa,” I hear myself say

I help Granny clean, but I sweep wrong too

Tears stream down my face when you aren’t looking

I still don’t understand

I remember your last fathers day

It was the second one without my father

I made myself call you

Made my voice high and happy

But you don’t want to talk to me

I hear you arguing with Granny on the phone

You are yelling about how someone important might call you

I guess I don’t count as important

That was one of the few times Granny apologized to me

I told her it was okay, as the silent tears streamed down my face

Who does one honor on Father’s Day if your father is a monster in prison

And your grandpa doesn’t want you

I wanted the earth to swallow me whole

You had a great opportunity

You could have been my hero

My father didn’t want that title

Helped fill the role, but he didn’t

Like you did for my mom

But instead, you took what little self-esteem he left me with

You seemed to take pleasure in stomping out my light

Did it bring you joy, making me cry too?

Was it your plan to break an already broken heart?

You were my only other example of a man

Someone who should have shown me how a lady should be treated

Who should have made me feel beautiful, treasured, and loved

To build me up and make me feel strong

Instead, you chose violence, stabbing and slashing me with your words

Did you know you gave me nightmares?

That I still flinch if people get into a yelling match

If someone yells at me, I still freeze to the spot

It was the disease Granny insists

She says that is why you were yelling and mean

But you were mean twenty years ago

Did she forget my tears?

The terror in my eyes?

Why can’t we call your behavior what it was

Verbal abuse

Am I only meant to be an emotional punching bag for angry men?

Do I only have value when I am serving, and I can’t even do that right

We used to run to you and Granny when my father’s darkness got too thick in the air

But we were just trading one abuse for another

I still don’t understand

You are gone now

I should be sad, but I am not

I shed tears, but not for you

I put on my nice black dress

And give my next performance

Death should be sad, but I feel relief

No longer do I have to be afraid of you

Was it your intention to try to break my spirit?

Part of me wants to hate you, but I don’t

There is some anger there, You were the adult, the authority

You set the tone for our family relationship

It was in your hands, and you chose to mishandle it

I just feel sad, sad for you and how miserable you were

How little joy and fun you chose to have

Sad for that little girl who wanted nothing more than to please you

Sad for the relationship we could have had

Sad for the little boy inside you that must have never felt loved

We may not have shared blood, but you were the only Papa I got to know

One who died before I could know him

One who is a mystery, I couldn’t even tell you his name

Then there was you

I wish you had chosen differently

I wish I didn’t still jump when people raise their voices

I wish that I didn’t want to flee when fists slam on tables

You must have carried so much trauma

I wish I had been worth working through it

I wish another adult had held you accountable  for your harmful behavior

I wish you hadn’t left me with more family chains to break

For even though I didn’t share your blood, you still shaped me

I hope you found peace in the end

I pray I can learn from your mistakes

Maybe one day Father’s Day won’t hurt

Maybe one day I will see you again

Papa, I forgive you and all the pain you caused me

Because, despite it all, I still loved you

If I didn’t, then this scar on my heart wouldn’t hurt as much

I hope you found Jesus, I hope you found rest

And a respite from the pain you carried inside you